Tony
You Have To Be Comfortable, Stay Relaxed

Do you want to learn how to drive a car right now? Come on, get on a jacket and let’s go. There goes your mother again. Of course I heard the weather report and looked outside the windows. I know it has already begun snowing. Who do you think you’re talking to? Anyway, now is the best time to learn how to drive. He’s got to learn how to drive in the snow sooner or later, and he’ll be getting his license soon. Besides, if he can drive safely in the snow, he can drive safely in anything. Don’t worry about us; we’ll be gone for a couple hours and be just fine. Nothing is going to happen don’t be ridiculous. Do you want us to bring you back something? I don’t know what’s still open, but nothing is probably closed. O.K., we’ll see you later. Come on Vincenzo, let’s go before she asks us something else.

Now, the first part of you learning to drive, is watching me drive, so get in the car. You know how all the kids these days want to sit shotgun—and everyone battling for the seat next to the driver, everyone wanting to sit in the front calls ‘shotgun.’ Do you know where that came from?

In comes from back in the 1920’s when the Mafioso used to drive around they always had there best friend sitting right next to them fully loaded. That’s where it came from, and that’s why nowadays they don’t let you travel with loaded guns. They don’t even let you travel with your gun in the car, unless of course you’re a cop. If you have a gun permit, most of the time you have to keep your gun unloaded in your trunk. Why? If a cop pulls you over and you have loaded gun next to you and you are some kind of a psycho you can just shoot him in the face.

Cops, we can carry our guns however we want to, whenever we want to because we need them. We need them for all the psychos running around. If the police didn’t have guns in New York City it would be chaos I’m telling you. All right, now listen to me. You are sitting shotgun, and we are ready to go. I didn’t even turn on the car yet, because I want to tell you a few simple things.

First, anyone can drive a car. You don’t have to be a genius to drive a car, and that’s because it’s simple. Just look at how many stupid people you know and see who are driving around in big cars. Anyone who can pass a simple little written test, which all of the questions are common sense; and anyone who can pass the driving test which is silly, can drive a car.

Now this is your mother’s car and this is a high performance Japanese luxury vehicle. This isn’t even a car; this is a Lexus truck. It is automatic, so you know what that means? There are so many things you don’t even have to think about or be concerned with. This car basically drives itself. You could drive this car with one finger and one foot and have no problem controlling the car doing whatever you got to do.

And do you want to know why the car can basically drive itself? Because you are relaxed; if you are relaxed and you go with the car, it will do exactly what you want it to do. You want to drive, you don’t get all close to the wheel and hold it tightly, and move your head around a lot, and I don’t know. When people drive, they do all kinds of stupid shit, and you don’t want to do that. I see some people holding the wheel, or when they turn the car, it looks like they are fighting the car. You would think they are trying to turn a tank pulling on the wheel with all their might. You don’t want to fight the car. And if you hold the wheel to tightly—here look at me, I’m holding the wheel tightly; you can’t turn the car quickly, or react like this. All you want to do is stay relaxed, be comfortable—when you are relaxed and comfortable; look at how quickly I can steer and maneuver—look how easy it is to move the car.

Now, remember, the person who is driving is the boss. The person who is driving is the one who has to be comfortable. When I drive in the summer, I don’t like the windows open, I like the ‘ac’ blasting. What did I always tell you when we went on long vacations in the summer—if you think you are going to get cold bring a blanket or jacket!

You know you have to stay relaxed, you know you have to find a comfortable position and have all of your mirrors angled so they can help you. Do you know why they have the two mirrors on the side, and one in the center of the windshield on just about every car you can possible buy nowadays—and some cars even have more mirrors? Because the mirrors help you, but they only help you if you got them pointed where you can see on the sides and behind you. You want to make it so you can look around effortlessly and have no blind spots. It is very simple, right?

Now, before you even turn the car on what do you do? No, you don’t put your foot on the break Vincenzo, but good try. Well, you should always carry your license on you at all times. Once you get a license, that’s a given. That is your identification, and it is a law to always have some form of identification on you. People can’t go walking around without their licenses. What happens if you are walking around disturbing the peace and a cop stops you, and wants to know your name, and where you live, or pull up your name and see if there is a file on you? Having your license on you at all times from the second they give it to you is a given. And you’re going to have to carry your license on you for the rest of your life.

Stay with me. The first thing you do before you start the car up is you put on your seatbelt. Putting on your seatbelt is the most important thing you can do. Forget about the fact that wearing your seatbelt could save your life. Forget that for a minute. If your car is running, and you are sitting in it without your seatbelt on, not even driving, you are just minding your own business sitting in your car waiting for your girlfriend to come out of Macy’s—a cop could give you a ticket because you are breaking the law. You have to wear your seatbelt at all times when your car is on and you are in the driver’s seat period.

Look at me, I have my seatbelt on, the car is now on, all of my mirrors are adjusted, I’m comfortable, I’m relaxed, I have the radio on a little, I adjusted the heat and defroster—here, you know this song, listen to this for a minute. This is a great song, it’s Smokey; you guys today don’t have anyone who could sing like this guy, would you just listen to this for a minute, I want you to hear something, this is—Tears of a Clown. O.K. while we are listening to this, and we have everything set, we are ready to go.

Everything is easy. See how easy this car goes into reverse, nice and easy. You back out of the garage and go down the driveway. Look at my foot, I still haven’t taken it off of the brake. If you give it gas you will shoot down the driveway. You don’t need gas all of the time in reverse, just use the break—take your foot off the brake nice and easy and the car will begin to move. You have to get a feel for the car, get a feel for everything. This car is very sensitive, you don’t have to push on the gas hard, or slam on the break.

Now, you see what I’m doing while we are backing up? I am testing the breaks. This is a luxury automobile and it’s built well, this car stops. But even an expensive car in the snow, with the snow just starting to fall, and all of the oils on the street, and maybe there is black ice—I want to see how well this car is stopping. The greatest car in the snow can be a piece of shit, you hear me. You can’t drive a Ferrari in the snow. You see this little bit of snow right now? We wouldn’t have even been able to get a Ferrari out of the driveway. Anyway, you should always get a feel for the road, a feel for the condition of the road, and a feel for your breaks in shitty weather. Rain, snow—whatever, be aware.

So, we are out of the driveway, I put the car into drive, and down the street we go. See how nice and easy it is. I’m barely touching the gas, barely touching the steering wheel. Now we are going to have to make a left up here, then a right. The blinkers are easy. See this stick on the left—you push it down nice and easy to signal turning left, and you push it up nice and easy to signal turning right. So it’s very simple, down and up, left and right. All this stick does is turn on your signals, and when it’s dark, or when it is snowing like it is now, or when it is raining, you twist this forward and the headlights go on. This car has got headlights and fog lights, but that’s not important.

See this stick here, the one I’m touching on the right of the steering wheel? This stick is for the windshield wipers, and to clean your windshield. This car even has a wiper for the back window; you see that—look, turn your head. And this other little stick, that’s to activate the cruse control, but you’re never going to use that; at least not now. That’s when you’re going on a trip and you want to rest your legs, so it keeps the car traveling at a consistent speed, and all you have to do to turn it off is just hit this button on the steering wheel or tap the break. You’re not going to use cruse control for a very long time, maybe never. I don’t like it to be honest with you. I like to at least feel like I have complete control over the car.

Now when you are driving, you always signal before you turn, you know that. And when you see someone with a signal on, ignore it. Assume that the person who has their signal on is brain dead and has no idea what the hell they are doing. Just because you want to make a left, and you think someone else is going to make a left because they have their signal on and you think they are slowing down doesn’t mean anything. Always wait for the other person to commit to the turn until you make your move. No place is so important to get to that it is worth risking getting into an accident. Take your time because if they don’t commit to the turn they are liable to slam right into you, and then you have a real problem.

So you put you signal on before turns, you feel that, and you are looking far ahead of you, so you know when the street is about to come up. Always stay aware of what is directly in front of you, and directly behind you, but just as important you always look way in front of you, and occasionally way behind you.

Yes, sometimes you can prevent yourself from getting rear-ended by someone who is not paying attention. I drove off onto the shoulder once because I saw all the cars in front of me had stopped for a red light, and the guy behind me wasn’t paying attention. I drove off onto the shoulder and what did he do? He slammed into the car that was in front of me, that car hit a car, and it was a mess.

Your job, and I don’t care how you want to think about it, but your job is to really never hit anything, but especially never hit someone from behind. I don’t care what happened, you hit someone in the back it is your fault. And then you know what happens? Your insurance goes through the roof, and you have another problem now. Maybe the insurance carrier, since you’re a young driver, and you are already under assumed risk, they might just drop you all together, then you have to get another insurance policy. So, try not to get into an accident ever please.

It’s going to happen. I banged up my first car in the snow once. And it made me sick. I was driving over the Brooklyn Bridge and my GTO started to slide, and I just caught the front of my car a little bit denting it up and I was sick. You know why I was sick, because I bought the car with my own money and my GTO was perfect, and now I had to pay out of my pocket to get it fixed.

Insurance, driving a car, this is serious shit. It is serious, serious shit, and even though it’s easy to do, and anyone can do it, you have to remember this car is an over 2000lb weapon. You could kill someone, and you could kill yourself on top of it driving a car. Driving isn’t something you are entitled to being able to do at a certain age—driving is a privilege.

I’m not telling you not to have fun when you’re driving, I’m not telling you not to listen to music, not to look at and wave at the pretty girls; but you always have to remember to be careful. And you know why I’m showing you how to drive and telling you all of this? I’m not worried about you? I’m not worried about you driving drunk, or driving 100mph, or you blowing a stop sign or a red light and doing something stupid. I know you better than that.

And I know you are going to be an excellent driver because your father is an excellent driver and it’s easy to do; I’m showing and telling you everything right now tonight because I worry about all the other stupid bastards out there that don’t know how to drive. I’m worried about all those bastards that are going to see you driving a nice car and they don’t give a shit if they crash into you, their car is a piece of shit.

Just remember. People are crazy. People are stupid. Not all people think like a normal human being is supposed to. They don’t pay attention when they drive. They don’t pay attention in life. And a car, sure a car is a nice thing. Being able to drive is nice—but a car is extremely dangers.

I used to lock guys up all the time for killing someone in a driving accident. And let me tell you, if you have a few drinks, and you kill someone—you are going to go to jail for a long time. And those people deserve to go to jail because that is stupid and dangerous. Now accidents do happen, and some accidents are unavoidable—but most accidents happen because people are stupid. If you feel like you are going to fall asleep, and you are closing your eyes for seconds at a time—maybe it’s a good idea to pull over. Or to call some one? And if a police officer comes to your car, and you say I’m exhausted, and I just thought I’d rest. He would see that you are normal, telling the truth, and leave you alone. Don’t be afraid of police ever. If you are doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to be afraid of. The bad cops, the bad cops get caught and go to jail with all the other criminals. But we are talking about driving.

You are going to see, you are going to take your car to the supermarket one day, on a nice day, and you are going to come out and see a fucking ding in the door. Yes, I said the ‘f’ word because Vincenzo it makes me sick. People don’t respect other peoples’ things because they are jealous. Someone is going to scratch your beautiful car, and you know what, there is nothing you can do. Sometimes things happen that we can’t prevent, and you just have to deal with it.

But that also doesn’t mean you should go parking next to a shopping cart, or parking next to junk boxes. At least get out of the car and move the cart so someone or something doesn’t push it into your car. And it would be nice if you brought it to a place where it couldn’t be pushed into anybody’s car. If you see a junk box, you know how the person treats their car, and you know they don’t give a shit if they bang their door into yours. You can lower your risks of having something happen if you just pay attention a little bit. You know what I mean?

All right now listen; you see this car directly ahead of us? We don’t know what this guy is going to do? What happens if he is smoking a cigarette, drops the cigarette on his lap, and just decides to slam on the breaks as hard has he can? People slam on the breaks for no reason all of the time. You should never be amazed when you see something ridiculous because you will see it again.

It is very important to leave a safe distance you and the car in front of you. And it is illegal for someone to ride on your ass. If someone is riding right on your bumper—that is tailgating, and you should just pull over and let that person pass you. A cop would give that person a ticket instantly.

Do you see what I’m doing—I have a comfortable cushion between us and the guy in front of us. I’m not saying you got to leave enough room to let a parade cut you off, but you leave a comfortable distance to allow yourself to react to the unpredictable; and depending on the weather, depending on the speed you are traveling—this affects the size of the cushion. The most important thing you want to always be able to do is stop quickly. Know the difference between how the tires react to a street when it has been raining for 15 minutes, and when it has been raining for two hours. The first few minutes it rains—the streets in some places are very slick because of oils and pollution.

The faster you are going, or the worse the weather is, you leave more of a distance. When I’m driving in the town and the weather is beautiful, and I’m driving nice going 30mph which is the speed limit, I can drive a little closer to the car in front of me. When it is raining, and it’s hard to see, and the speed limit is 30mph, that doesn’t mean that I’m driving the speed limit. Maybe I’m doing less. I’m going however fast I feel safe and responsible going. Always better to be safe than sorry, and a cop isn’t going to pull you over for being cautious in bad weather.

If you think someone is going to cut you off, or doesn’t see you, rest your foot on the brake. You don’t have to touch it, but if you need to your foot is right there. When you see a light up in the distance that is red, and you are coming up to it, just take your foot off of the gas, and the car will slow down. There is no need to keep your foot on the gas, for what, so when you come to the light you have to slam on your breaks? That’s stupid. Try to think ahead of all the stupid things the people around you might do, and be aware of all the little things you can do to make your diving easy.

You see me; you see when I drive? When I drive, you don’t even feel the car stop. I slow down nice and gradually. When I accelerate, I don’t slam on the gas. I do everything nice. Maybe you have a coffee in your cup holder, you don’t want to have coffee spilling all over the place making the inside of your car all sticky. You don’t want the people in your car to get car sick.

So let’s say you are driving, and you are doing everything right, and you are waving to the girls, and then you start sliding. When I was a kid, my father didn’t know how to drive. We didn’t have a car. I was the first person in my family to ever own a car; and I taught myself how to drive. I didn’t have traction control, and abs breaks, and all these fancy technological advancements that make driving simpler. Now it’s much harder to do, but cars can still skid and hydroplane all over the place. They haven’t perfected the automobile yet.

So that’s what we are going to do, and that’s why we are here. Get out of the car and let’s switch, come on now, I don’t want to be standing out in the goddamn snow—go, go, go. O.K., now, you know where we are? That’s right, we’re in the mall parking lot. You are going to start with what I think is the hardest thing to learn how to do, but it is also the most fun.

You notice anything about this parking lot besides the fact that about three or four inches of snow has already accumulated? This parking lot is tremendous. There is a lot of room, a lot of room for you to practice skidding, and sliding, and trying to steer the car out of a spin. This is going to be fun, and I know you were watching me, and listening to everything I told you, but before I let you get the feel for the car, and feel what it is like to lose and regain control, I just want to say one more thing because I know you’re a genius.

You see all these light poles spaced far, far apart scattered throughout the parking lot? Those are made out of metal and cement. There is no reason for you to even drive close to those poles. We have plenty of room out here. You could be practicing putting a bus into a skid out here and everything would be fine. I know you, so whatever you do don’t bang up the car and take us into one of these poles otherwise we are going to have a serious problem. There is no reason for you to try to be James Bond and maneuver the car within inches of these lights. These poles just can’t jump in front of the car—if you hit them it is because you hit them. Exactly. Don’t be a smart ass. But that’s true, you have to do something stupid to hit these poles.

You are going to stay relaxed, I’m going to talk you through all kinds of crazy things, and we are going to get the car to go out of control, then you are going to regain control—and we’ll do this for I don’t know an hour or so. Once you have gained an understanding of what a car can, and cannot do, we will get the hell out of here. But remember every car isn’t like your mother’s. Some cars are complete pieces of crap. You’ll see, you’ll see the piece of shit cars some of your friend’s parents get or don’t get for them.

Go see if K.J.’s father has money to drop on getting him a car. Watch what kind of piece of shit that poor kid is going to have to drive around in. That kid is going to have to buy his own car—I already know, his father told me. And it’s because a kid like that’s father, not only does he not give a shit what kind of car his son drives around in, but he doesn’t have any money to blow on a car for his kid. He can’t afford to give his kid even a few hundred dollars.

You think money is a joke, you think $25,000 bucks or more for a car, and car insurance, and gas, and oil changes—you think all these things just happen and money just grows on trees? Do you know how hard I have to work, and how hard your mother has to work to live like we do, and have all the nice things we have? Do you have any idea how much groceries cost each week? How much taxes and electricity are? And all the other little stupid bills that just add up? In life you pay for everything. You forget sometimes that you live in one of the nicest places in the country, in the world for that matter. You have no idea how expensive Long Island is.

I’ll stop. I’m sorry, you’re father is going to stop because I don’t want to turn this into a lecture—we’re out tonight in the snow to have fun. Plus, you’re only 15 years old and you shouldn’t have any idea how difficult it is to live. I gave you a better life than I had. When I was 15 I had a job, and I bought everything. My father didn’t buy me new sneakers, and clothing. If I had clothing that fit, that was good enough.

I wish my father would of have been able to take me out and teach me how to drive. He didn’t know how to drive a car, and he never owned a car in his life. I just hope you appreciate everything and realize just how lucky you are. You have a brilliant head on your shoulders, and you have parents who love you and are willing to do anything for you.

Anyway, to get back to driving, once you feel like you mastered controlling the car in the snow, you are going to drive us to 7-Eleven so you can practice parking and getting out of the car to do something nice for your father for a change. I’ll take a black coffee later, and you can get whatever the hell you want to get, and then we’ll drive back home.

When we get home, the last thing I’m going to teach you how to do is the easiest. I’m going to teach you how to parallel park around my car while I finish my coffee in about ten seconds. Parallel parking is easy—once you do it three times, you should have it mastered. Anyone that tells you parallel parking is hard is a moron and shouldn’t be driving to begin with.

All you have to do is pull up next to the car, look at your side mirror, and when your side mirror is even with the bumper of the car you are next to and want to pull behind, start cutting the wheel. It’s a piece of cake. If you pull up parallel to any car, and you wait to start cutting the wheel until your side mirror, this mirror right here is even with the bumper—I don’t care how hard you cut the wheel, it is impossible to hit the car in front of you. And right when you are close to the curb, you start tuning the wheel the other way. It’s easy. So, your seat belt is on, the car is on, O.K.; you’re the driver; you’re the boss. Are you relaxed? Are you nice and comfortable? Then let’s go! Start driving around.